The Toilet

A two hour trip with no bathroom break,
Holding it in had been a bad mistake.
Arriving home, his friend beat him inside.
He waited, crouching; he could have cried.
Finally done, he threw his mate aside cursing his name.
Upon sitting down he groaned… his friend had poor aim.

The Dentist

She waited; the dentist’s chair beneath.
She had come to have him clean her teeth.
Finished, he said; “Looks good dear, just one last thing.”
She shuttered in fear, “Will it sting?”
“Heavens no, you’ll feel nothing. Just lay still.”
Repositioning herself, her smiled suddenly vanished… out came the drill.

The Surgery

(Author’s Note: Unfortunately, I experienced technical difficulties this weekend, so to make up for it, here are three in a row!)

She was oozy, just waking up.
The doctor stood smiling, “Sup?”
“Doctor?” She muttered. “Is everything alright?”
“Perfect!” He retorted. “You’re an operational delight!”
“Your appendix is gone and you should be fine before the end of your vacation.”
She looked at him, “But sir… I’m here for breast augmentation.”

The Ride

Hung-over, he went outside for air.
Needing a ride home; his friend lived miles from anywhere.
Looking across the road he saw a taxi.
Realizing the opportunity, he jumped in to flee.
Upon arrival, cash was due and he began to fret…
He discovered he had left behind his wallet.

The Song

Karaoke night; his friend’s birthday.
Signing himself up for a song, entering the fray.
Music blasted, he sang into the skies.
The screen recorded his effort as he closed his eyes.
He finished, barely seeing through the dim light.
The audience erupted in laughter…he hadn’t gotten a single note right.

The Error

Having waited for almost two years,
Through breakups, makeups and tears,
She finally agreed, but he would need protection;
She was leaving for a few months pursuing a new career direction.
Tonight he was finally gonna get some.
But during the day’s excitement, he had forgotten to buy a condom.

The Task

He had gotten a haircut; washed his suit.
He smelt nice, felt great and looked particularly cute.
Checking everything fit, he smiled in the mirror,
And spin around just to make sure.
He answered his phone heading out the door.
It was his friend, “Listen…no one is going out anymore.”

The Haircut

“What you want?” Said barber Ned.
Jim answered, “A slight trim all ‘round my head.”
His eyes closed, Jim thought of today,
As Ned quickly snipped away.
As the cutting subsided, Jim looked, his face suddenly full of grim.
Ned looked back, “What? That’s 2 cm short…You did said trim.”

The Mistake

Unamused, he played with his food.
His date wasn’t in a pleasant mood.
Beginning to think of his ketchup as blood,
Covering his wrist, faking injury; he eventually licked up the spud.
Wincing, letting out a disgruntled moan…
He realized he licked the spot where he sprayed all his cologne.

The Hand

Playing ‘poker’, he knew he would win.
Thinking how best to capitalize, he rubbed his chin.
“All in” he said, straining his mind.
Unfortunately, his competitor showed four-of-a-kind.
He was a gracious loser; fair was fair.
Besides, the only piece of clothing he had left to remove was his underwear.

The Message

He met her yesterday in a saloon,
She said, “I love naughty messages, send one soon.”
Today pondering what he would type,
Sending, “I like my rumps spicy and ripe...”
Phone buzzing, he was in an excited mood,
Until he read, “Sir, we need an address to deliver the food.”

The Skirt

Spring was here and the sun was out!
She had waited through the cold and doubt.
Finally skirt weather; she was ecstatic,
And joined her friends by the lake looking absolutely fantastic.
She lived far away, but didn’t mind the trip,
Until upon sitting down she heard a slight rip...

The Cash

The queue was about 40 people long.
The store played a very awful song.
His wallet home, he guessed the amount he would need.
Carrying, in hand, the cash for this important deed.
Checking out, the worker said, “£27.50 for this stuff.”
He looked at his hand…he didn’t have enough.

The Plate

Late-night, starving, he couldn’t wait to get home.
They had prepared his favorite; Steak from Rome!
His family was done, leaving his share.
This made him happy, he could eat in his underwear.
Sitting down, beaming; this was going to be great!
He noticed a pubic hair on his plate.

The Carnival

They were at the carnival stall;
Jenny trying to win, down to her last ball.
Owner, laughing, said, “Atleast hit something!”
Angry, she wound up and unleashed her final swing...
It flew crazily; landed right in the face of the owner.
David turned, Jenny smiled. He really did love her.

The Attempt

Exiting the bathroom, he saw a beautiful chick.
And today had finished reading, “Being ultra-slick”.
Confident, he walked over and said, “Hey, wanna drink?”
She turned and smiled, giving a tiny wink.
Then, standing up and looking him dead in the eye,
She said, “Next time, zip up your fly.”

The Race

He had trained for the marathon months on end,
He would win; his honor he would defend.
Gun firing, he sprinted to get a head start,
Feeling the burn in his heart.
The crowd screamed; today would be his day!
Till he heard them shout, “You’re going the wrong way!”

The Girl

With sleep on his face, he walked up to campus,
It was early morning, and he had missed the school bus.
Then, quite suddenly, he saw a beautiful girl,
Stunningly fit, magnificent face, radiant as a pearl.
He began to imagine what was underneath,
Till she smiled…showing just seven teeth.

The Game

Seeing a clear chance, he went for the win,
Pumping his fist with a satisfying grin.
It felt so good, since she usually won,
Soon realizing, however, it would be only short-lived fun.
He looked at her and let out a dissatisfying groan,
Tonight, he knew, he’d be sleeping alone.

The Release

Home from a crazy night with wine 3 dollars cheap,
He was ready to drift off to sleep.
Lying on his bed, quite secure,
Something caught his attention; his bladder.
Weighting up his options: would he be civil or release where he lay?
Finally deciding ‘heck, tomorrow’s laundry day anyway.’

The Gym

New to the gym, wanting to prove something.
He hated being mocked; wanting to be king.
Walking past men who looked rough.
He laid on the bench thinking, ‘let’s see who’s tough.’
Lifting the bar he admired his own brawn,
When he turned and looked. There wasn’t any weight on.

The Computer

The deadline approached, she needed to hurry!
Her e-mail malfunctioned; she began to worry.
"Oh-my-god, I don’t know what to do."
She said hitting the computer, still not having a clue.
She then started laughing, becoming less upset;
For upon knocking it aside she realized…it wasn’t connected to the internet.

The Choice

Coming home, his face a sleepy mess,
A vibrating noise in his bag said ‘SMS!’
Opening his phone, seeing his girlfriend’s name,
“Baby, wanna come over and play that hot stripping game?”
He looked at his pillow, then at his phone,
Then jumped on his bed with a satisfying moan.

The Photographer

David was a photographer by work.
Basically a paparazzi, he was somewhat of a jerk.
Landing gold one night outside a club,
Several singers vomiting up their evening’s grub.
These would definitely run in ‘Celebrity Guide’,
But when he returned home and opened his camera, there was no film inside.

The Paradise

There were cheerleaders, secretaries and librarians,
Models galore and several cute vegetarians.
He was ecstatic and smiled because it all belonged to him.
A women only club called, ‘The Luscious Gym’.
Suddenly he felt depressed and was ready to scream,
For he was back in lectures…it was all a dream.

The Pool

Arriving early morning at just past five,
He was going to enter the pool with a magnificent dive.
Practicing daily, perfecting his technique,
He jumped head-first letting out an excited shriek.
Realizing it was not water which he was upon.
He noticed painfully that the pool cover was still on.

The Alarm

An American chap had essays that were tomorrow due,
He yawned needing a nap or two.
Laying down at noon to sleep until 3 PM.
Hastily setting his alarm, he escaped into R.E.M.
Buzzing awakened him but he couldn’t see a thing…
His alarm clock glimmered 3 in the morning.

The Show

Rushing home and skipping across the lawn,
Her favorite show soon to be on.
Ripping off her suit and undoing her hair,
Opening some sweets and plopping herself on the comfy chair.
She had waited all week for this single hour,
When suddenly everything went dark…the house had lost power.

The Umbrella

After much hard work, he wanted to go home.
Enough concentrating; just let his mind roam.
Suddenly rain appeared and where others would have cared,
He smiled because he always came prepared.
Opening his bag thinking, ‘I am such a clever fella!”
He looked inside… he had forgotten his umbrella.

The Concert

Josh sprinted towards the concert,
Running through the pain and hurt.
He crashed into the bouncer at the entrance gate.
The bouncer shook his head. “Sorry mate, you’re five minutes late.”
“What?!” Josh panted. “How can you not let me in for that?”
The Bouncer smiled, “Because, I’m a prat.”

The Test

All night he had been cramming,
Assessment tomorrow on ‘Chapter 6: Politics of a King’.
Hours spent reading, running out of time,
Awaking in a stupor, his alarm let off a loud chime.
He walked into class completely stressed,
When he began writing and cried… it read ‘Chapter 7 Test’.