The Cell

Lisa was sitting in her cell,
She’d committed assault yesterday; it had been hell.
Her cellmate faced her , “What you in for?”
Lisa responded, “I punched my boyfriend…broke his nose in four.”
The cellmate laughed, “Why did you do that?”
“Because”, Lisa said. “He said I was too fat.”

The Place

Working unabated, he needed food,
He was in a grumpy mood.
Leaving home, his body felt gritty.
He ran to his favorite fast food place; Chicken City.
Arriving at the door, he could have killed someone right then,
A sign on the door read, “Sorry, we’re all out of chicken.”

The Maid

He had been working all night,
His laptop still shown bright.
The curtains closed, he could feel his body wane.
Hopping into bed, he smiled. He needed to recharge his brain.
He had just closed his eyes when he heard a faint knock.
“Morning house cleaning sir, it’s 9 o’clock!”

The Excuse

Ron swallowed, “I need more time, or I can kiss graduating goodbye.”
“Fine.” The teacher remarked. “But why?”
Ron paused. “ I was lazy…”
“Hand it in Monday. Fresh and daisy.”
“Thanks,” Ron started, “But why help me with such an excuse?”
“Because tomorrow I’m getting drunk and letting loose.”

The Result

Doc frowned, “I’m sorry, you have an STD.”
Jake looked horrified, but the doctor laughed slapping his knee.
“Kidding son, test came out fine.”
“STDs are dangerous though, so take some condoms of mine.”
Upon leaving Jake pulled the Doctor aside,
“Next time, don’t do that when my mom’s inside!”

The Farm

“You’re here.” The farmer said kindly.
Joe looked inside, desperately wanting to say ‘no’.
“Anywhere else I can sleep?” Joe asked. He wasn’t having fun.
“Son, it’s a Barn. Oh, tip: Don’t sleep next to the big one.”
Joe looked worried, “Why's that?”
The farmer made a rolling gesture...“Splat!”

The Juice

Early morning in July he needed food.
Trolling the kitchen without his glasses, feeling quite nude.
He saw some juice; downed it in one score.
Stomach kicking, he spat it on the floor.
Astonished, he squinted at the side of the carton and felt prune.
It said, ‘best before mid-June.’

The Boast

Finished lectures, Darrell and Harry began home,
Outside the library they paused to roam.
Suddenly, a few ducks appeared and began to frolic.
Darrell laughed, “Looks like me in bed. I’m psychotic!”
Harry moved closer; squinted in the sun.
“Darrell…I think the male duck is actually raping the other one.”

The Lid

Awake from a night out, needing to clear his head.
He had mistakenly drunk too much water before bed.
Now he really needed to go,
He rushed in, eyes asleep, unzipped, and let flow.
Hearing an unfamiliar noise, he opened his eyes.
The lid was closed to his disgruntled surprise.

The Order

Completely famished, he couldn’t decide what to eat.
Pondering openly, “Tuna or steak? Fish or meat?”
His friend looked unamused, “Just pick…”
He closed his eyes and pointed, hoping to be quick.
When it came he bit into his glimmering steak.
He sighed…“I should have just gone with the cake.”

The Brat

Carl invited over his good mate.
They played ‘Questions’, some offering horrid debate.
His friend asked “Would you rather pee on your teacher or dad?”
Carl pondered, knowing his parents hardly disturbed his pad.
“My father. Him and his stupid slacks.”
“Carl?” He turned to see dad standing with snacks.

The Drink

They played an intense drinking game known as ‘Kings’,
The loser having to down a concoction of various grotesque things.
Chuck picked the last numbered card; began to celebrate.
“Ha, a six! I get to nominate!”
Fred looked at the greenish-brown guck.
“Nope,” Fred smiled. “That’s a nine. Sorry Chuck!”

The Marathon

Late for a meeting, he hated Monday.
His car stopped by police, “Sorry sir, marathon’s on today.”
Astonished, he looked at his passenger,
A female associate; he had a thing for her.
“So, what now?” He said with no inkling of fun.
“Well,” she said cheerfully. “How about a run?”

The File

Downloading a single-huge file, he was a geek,
His computer had been running for a week.
B-rated sci-fi films were soon his.
Such satisfaction he knew only through the school quiz.
He danced merrily, “99%, here we go!”
Mother walked in; “Honey, when you prance around naked, close your window.”

The Luggage

Landing in Austria, twelve hour flight.
Waiting 50 minutes, his luggage no where in sight.
Heading to assistance, he was less than happy.
“Where the hell is my luggage?” He spat, snappy.
She quickly typed away, her face became embarrassingly red.
“Sorry sir... your luggage was sent to Australia instead.”

The Omelet

Gerald had had his physics class today,
Tomorrow, due, his ‘gravitational’ essay.
Coming home, soon to start, but needed to eat.
He would make an omelet with cheese and meat.
Accidentally dropping an egg; it splattered everywhere in mucks.
“I know how I’ll start my essay” he thought. “Gravity sucks.”

The Kiss

His girlfriend kissed him gently,
His body filled with overwhelming glee.
Rolling to her side he said “Let me give you a kiss.”
Excited; she rarely ever woke him up like this.
Dreamily opening his eyes, smiling with grace…
Soon to realize, it was just their cat licking his face.

The Toothbrush

In his parent’s vacation home,
Daniel found a cute blue toothbrush and nice comb.
From downstairs, he heard his cat shout.
It was vet day and the cat didn’t like going out.
As Daniel cleaned himself, his mom did yell:
“Don’t use Mitten’s blue toothbrush, your teeth’ll go to hell!”

The Reply

Joking online was his personal bliss.
Posting his friend Chris dirty messages about his sis.
Chris replied that his mother read one,
And feared it was no longer fun.
Later, Chris’ mom replied; which did not ease his mind.
“U know, my daughters unripe… but I’m a well aged find ;)”

The Portion

Darrell, 33, needed ice cream from the parlor.
Dashing in, ordering some Chocolate-Marbler.
Nearby, a girl just received her flavored-snow,
Looking over, he gasped and needed to know:
“Pardon, you’re about 10 and your portion is twice mine?!”
She chuckled “Yeah…makes you look like a wimp. Maybe it’s a sign?”

The Coffee

Early morning, he needed a quick start.
Something to animate his brain and heart.
A dose of Espresso was just the perk,
He’d finish later on his way to work.
Drink in hand; he rushed for the door.
Forgetting it opened inwards, he smashed, spilling coffee all over the floor.

The Pillow

Vacationing with friends, he came home drunk.
They left when he became a snobby punk.
Hating his drunken state, all he wanted was sleep,
So exhausted, he wouldn’t have to count sheep.
As he lay down, he felt a liquid billow,
Someone had placed a massive water-balloon under his pillow.

The Soup

Smiling as he smelt her perfume,
Dinner with the girlfriend, returning from the restroom.
Grabbing his throat when sipping soup; it was off!
10x spicier than normal; he started to cough.
Looking up, he turned red…
“Like it hot? Or didn’t you scream that to my best friend in bed?”

The Run

One crisp morning he went for a run.
He liked the glimmer of a rising sun.
Times were tough and he needed the air.
Exercise helped him through despair.
Running through a field, looking down, he uttered a harsh remark.
He had forgotten he was running through a dog park.

The Massage

In Japan he loved experiencing different lives,
Panda-Drink, Underwear-Vendors and Inflatable-Wives.
At the massage parlor; hoping for a ‘special’ one.
Walking in naked, holding cash, pointing to his gun.
She slapped him, walked out. He sighed, “Just my luck,
I fly 5000 miles and I can’t even pay to fu...”.

The Take-off

On a long flight, he couldn’t sit alone,
His companions always fat, ugly, or thick as bone.
Then she sat down; beautiful, marvelous, this was his shot!
“Hello,” he flirted, “Aren’t we looking hot?”
Suddenly a tapping, an old man looking mean.
“Excuse me, that’s my daughter. She’s only fourteen.”

The Dessert

Today the couple was out for fun.
Both wanted ice cream to drown out the sun.
He bought cones with flavors, sauces and more,
She took one bite and spat it on the floor.
He look surprised, “What’s up dear?”
“I’m allergic to nuts, idiot! We’ve dated for a year!”

The Pass

He was supposed to pay, but never did,
Traveling on public as an American kid.
Smiling as he passed an inspector in Berlin,
“Kann ich dein Pass sehen?” She spat in German.
“I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “Only English…not from here.”
She smiled back. “That’s OK. I speak English too dear.”

The Present

Little Jimmy awakened early on Christmas day,
He couldn’t risk any more delay!
A giant box, he ripped apart.
His parents smiling as the newborn puppy jumped on him like a dart.
“Well Jimmy, whaddya think? Look, he’s so cute and fat.”
Jimmy turned and frowned, “I wanted a cat.”

The Prank

Rick wanted to prank his girlfriend Jess.
Called her saying, “Babes, I have to confess.”
“What?” She inquired. “How bad can it be?”
He continued, “I’ve slept with Marie…”
He waited, no scream. Was he easy to see through?
“I’ll confess...” she replied. “I’ve slept with your best friend too.”