The Name

After nearly four years of intense work,
He entered his final exam room with a childish smirk.
Hitting the paper ferociously and instantly with glee,
He answered every question flawlessly.
Upon exiting the exam room however, his legs began to feel lame;
He had forgotten to write down his name.

The Model

Posing for her first self-modeling shoot,
Lisa started the set with a fantastically sexy salute.
Taking pictures of herself long into the night,
Her angles, posture and smile amazingly tight.
About to review her photos, she suddenly became withdrawn,
When she sadly noticed that the lens cap was still on.

The Elevator

“Almost there.” He did think,
Carrying massive bags, his arms on the brink.
Head down, his pace was a crawl,
The elevator, he knew, was at the end of the hall.
He got there and let out a gleeful shriek,
Till he saw the sign; “Elevator out until next week.”

The Dinner

He had been building up courage for a week,
They had just finished dinner, he could hardly speak.
”Jenni,” he started. “I…I love you.”
She turned around, smiled with eyes shimmering in the view.
With a running leap she hugged him close,
“I love you too…just like my dog Rose!”

The Relaxation

She was perfect, he couldn’t think straight,
Tall, gorgeous, young; not one faulty trait!
She lowered herself onto his black slacks,
”Everything’s gonna be alright,” she said. ”Relax...”
Taking her words a bit too literally, for when she had made a start,
He flinched and let out a massive fart.

The Refurbishment

He awoke early morning close to half three,
Desperately needing to steady himself and pee.
Clumsily making his way through the night,
He entered his cold W.C. without turning on the light.
Bending over and falling mightily with a hard splat,
He realized that he hated his newly refurbished flat…

The Mix-up

Tonight she was in a kinky mood,
She desperately wanted him under her hood.
They went to bed and turned off the light,
She pulled out her ‘present’; held the bottle tight.
She began pouring and he screamed grabbing his Willie,
For it wasn’t cherry she’d bought, it was chili.

The Directions

Pierre was in a foul mood,
Brooding all day and thinking about food.
Someone had asked for help to King’s station,
He hated disruptions and pointed her in the complete wrong direction.
But as he turned to depart, smiling with evil glee,
He smashed his face right into a tree.

The Loo

Karen arrived in a flowing white dress,
Smelling of roses, she was out to impress.
Before they could get busy, she needed the loo,
Michael guided her thinking, ‘Guess even chicks need to poo.”
Upon flushing, Michael heard curses being spoken,
He forgot to mention that his toilet was broken.

The Laptop

His project soon to be complete,
The room full of sweat and heat.
He typed away, anxious for it to be done,
He couldn’t remember at what hour he’d begun.
Suddenly, the laptop shut off with a dying spin,
He looked past it and sighed…he’d forgotten to plug it in.

The Friend

The night had been so fun,
But he couldn’t remember what he’d done.
Ah! He’d gotten wasted and invited a girl back,
Stunning blonde with one hell of a rack.
He felt her spooning….he needed to behave.
But when he looked over his shoulder, it was best friend Dave.

The Bottle

Head aching from a heavy night,
Needing water to soothe his body and sight.
Off to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of H20,
He toasted his sleeping mate, “cheers bro.”
Guzzling it all down, excess dripping from his chin.
Seconds later he spat it out…it wasn’t water, it was gin.

The Passport

Behind schedule, he needed to hurry,
His flight waited, he sped past in a flurry.
Arriving at check-in, counter women let out a yawn,
“Madam, if I miss this, my job is gone!”
“Passport please,” she retorted. “Let’s not dwell.”
Then suddenly, he remembered it was still at the hotel.

The Fountain

Dale was drunk off wine ever so cheap,
He desperately needed a shower and sleep.
Wandering amuck, stumbling to and fro,
He squinted his way home - the way he did know.
Finally! He jumped into his hydro-mountain,
Only to find himself, a few hours later, awake in a fountain.

The Restroom

The party was awesome,
He had never drunk so much Cherry Absinthe-Blossom.
Needing the toilet he trotted along the hall,
The man in the restroom told him not to go into the stall.
He disregarded the advice as a sober diss,
And walked straight into a massive puddle of piss.

The Sprint

Today was the final of the 100 meter,
Winning would make Damion’s triumphant week even sweeter.
He psyched himself up; positioned himself steady,
The announcer rumbled into the microphone, “on your marks, ready”.
And as Damion prepared for his final stride…
He noticed that his shoe laces were not tied.

The Bird

Two friends stopped to admire a statue-man.
Matt: “How do they stand all day and not tan?”
Peter: “And he looks like a chump.”
Peter continues: “Ya’know what’d be funny…if a bird just took a dump…”
Peter stopped as Matt’s face went red.
“Pete…I think a bird just…on your head.”

The Uncle

Dillon had forgotten his sun cream,
Outdoors, his skin succumbed to the sun’s beam.
Recovering the next day, he answered the door,
Wishing he could just lie on the cold stone floor.
He winced in pain as he saw his uncle Doug;
This uncle always gave Dillon a massive hug.

The Camera

Finally, all his friends were back together,
Though months of planning and patience for perfect weather.
Everyone in the garden, all dressed and happy,
Billy took out his camera…he felt especially sappy.
Nothing happened when he clicked; he clinched, turning green…
And cursed as ‘low battery’ flashed across the screen.

The Italian

He met the most beautiful Italian girl,
Majestically blonde with a reddish twirl.
They had fun all night, he took her home,
He played it slow, asked her what she had brought from Rome.
She revealed a pet, “named Mr. Hats”.
He gasped, grabbing his throat…he was allergic to cats.

The Play

The biggest hand of the night,
Darrell would not lose without a fight
Looking at his cards, “all in” he did command!
His opponent won; Darrell lost everything in one hand…
From his couch, Jim yawned and scratched his head.
Then he turned off the TV and went to bed.

The Deal

Doug, starving, went to the local pub,
For 5 pounds he had beer and a foot-long sub.
He headed outside feeling truly great,
Having enjoyed a cheap meal which filled his plate.
His smile vanished though, as next door he saw a sign:
“4 pounds All-You-Can-Eat Buffet plus endless wine!”

The Sleep

3 A.M., Peter wasn’t happy.
He’d enjoyed partying, but got sick and snappy.
Coming home to regurgitate his night’s drink,
He aimed for the toilet and not the sink.
Suddenly, his watched beeped 9 o’clock; he felt a bit wet.
He opened his eyes…his face was still in the toilet.

The Bathroom

Drinking quite heavily, Greg felt unwell.
If he kept this up any longer, it would be hell.
Taking one last sip, his body said ‘No’,
Holding his stomach, he felt ready to go.
As it began seeping from his mouth; he shocked,
He sprinted to the bathroom...but it was locked.

The Clock

Finally, exams over, he was free!
He needed to relax, and tomorrow sleep late until 3.
Arriving home, hopping into bed,
He fast fell asleep, his fluffy pillow supporting his head.
Awakened early the next morning by a loud shock,
He realized had forgotten to turn off his alarm clock.

The Club

Having traveled two hours for this club,
Peter had cleverly drunk a lot in the pub.
Feeling quite tipsy, people slowly entered,
He couldn’t wait to hit on the womanly herd.
Approaching the entrance, the bouncer removed him with a smug grin.
“Sorry mate, wrong shoes. Can’t let you in.”

The Bag

Home from a late night out,
Vincent was smashed after a month alcohol drought.
In bed, head spinning, he felt a gag,
Rolling to his side – he grabbed his bedside bag.
Beginning to chunder everything out of his head,
He realized he wasn’t holding a bin, but his backpack instead.

The Confession

Clubbing, Manny felt like a pretty cool dude,
He chatted up long-term friend Cindy to improve his mood.
“Cindy, I’ve loved you since I met you.”
Cindy excitedly replied, “Manny! I love you too!”
She smiled as he laughed; grabbing his junk,
“Nah, just kidding. But you look doable drunk.”

The 100th

“So, 100 short stories?” asked Pete.
“That’s right.” Said Ryan. “Just finishing the 100th now, it’s elite”
“What’s it gonna be about?”
“Making fun of Jenni. I slept with her and she was way too stout.”
Pete paused. Ryan continued, “Something wrong with that plan?”
“Um, she’s got Herpes man...”

The Machine

At the station, the last train soon to depart the scene.
Having no money, he ran to the cash-machine.
Queue was massive; this was not fun.
Eight ahead…three…none!
Hammering in the card, one minute before the train would dash.
He looked back…‘This machine is no longer able to dispense cash.’

The Sauce

Back from shopping, he prepared a large meal,
Salad, potatoes and broiled veal.
Cooking would take hours, but it was worth the wait.
He grew anxious as he filled up his plate.
Preparing the final touch to his meat gloss,
He opened the fridge…he forgot to buy his favorite sauce.

The Store

Hungry and without much food, she needed to hit the shops.
The day grim, but she really wanted pork chops.
She timed her journey and set on her route,
Hoping that her luck would hold out.
She smiled; she was half-way to the store,
When suddenly, it began to pour…

The Sickness

Gerry was hot without a doubt,
He had gotten sick and decided to ‘sweat it out’.
His good friend entered; questioned his plight,
“Gerry, you know I study medicine and that doesn’t work, right?”
Stunned, Gerry looked on in disbelief,
The friend continued, “To think you’ve wasted 4 days chief!”

The Interview

Late for interview, Tim was rushed.
Having less than 5 minutes to get there; his soul was crushed.
Not giving up, he expertly navigated his course,
Dashing through the front door with urgent force.
Explaining his situation, the receptionist gave him a funny look.
“Um…your appointment is tomorrow Mr. Cook”

The Blouse

Andrew and Lydia were eating in a chocolate shop.
Andrew, being himself, kept looking down her top.
“Why do you keep looking down my blouse?” She finally spat.
“Well, what else can I look at?”
“How about my face you tart?”
“Yeah,” Andrew paused. “But that’s not the best part.”

The Exam

Exam day, he wasn’t in a good mood.
He had barely slept - hadn’t eaten much food.
This was his biggest mark; he needed an ace,
Anything less and his parents would label him a disgrace.
The doors opened, but he felt a sudden intestinal attack…
His uncontrollable diarrhea was back.

The Lunch

Dr. Feinberg was lecturing on the importance of health,
“A balanced diet can save years and personal wealth.”
The audience applauded as he finished the talk,
But Feinberg was hungry as a hawk.
He debated with his friend about lunch.
They decided on Fatty Joe’s; today was ‘endless hamburger’ brunch.

The Project

David spotted Ryan; sat next to him.
Today, Ryan finished an 8 month project but seemed grim.
“How’s it going? Hand it in?”
“Yeah…I did.” Ryan sadly rubbed his chin.
“Huh? Shouldn’t you be happy? Sing a song?”
“I looked it over after the deadline… the title was spelled wrong.”

The Table

During the home-cooked date, Katie was in the mood.
Not waiting anymore, she cleared the table of food.
She jumped on…it waned - falling to the floor.
In agony, she scoured the information drawer.
‘Maximum weight should not exceed 85 kg limit.’
“Great, I’m not getting laid and I’m unfit!”

The Birth

Today, the birth-day of his newest child.
Being prepared, he felt mild.
Already having five sons, he placed a bet at his local store.
Hell, they could always use some more.
The head appeared - it was a boy!
But as the rest emerged, his faced was sucked for joy…

The Debate

Stopping by the burger joint,
Dale, feeling concerned, set off to make a point.
“Peter, the doctor told you you’re at high chance for stroke, right?”
“High chance doesn’t equal certain, alright?”
“Using that logic, why bother buying lottery tickets, Mr. Unique?”
“Because, you never know. Could be my week!”

The Pamphlet

Shopping downtown, he was bored.
He spotted a congregation that he worked toward.
Seeing him, they surrounded; handing him their pamphlet.
He examined. They wandered off – leaving him nothing to fret.
Shrugging, he began reading with a slight yawn.
“By the time you read this, your wallet will be gone.”

The Essay

Dillon awakened with a sleepy groan.
He pressed ‘speaker’ on the tone.
“Dillon, Matt calling. How’s the essay; nice and fine?”
“Haven’t started. Got until the 7th of August 2009!”
“Dude, it’s due tomorrow – The 8th of July. Get a clue!”
“Shit…you Europeans put day before the month don’t you?”

The Tea

A slip in the mail meant one thing.
Her package had arrived giving her a slight ting.
Ripping it open, she peeked inside; her exotic tea!
Making herself a cup; licking her lips with glee.
Inhaling the drink which she would forever savour…
Turns out, they’d delivered the wrong flavour.

The Athlete

Brandon was a famous athlete,
Born a natural, no one else could compete.
Being interviewed filled him with glee,
“Winning is the greatest thing in my life!” He yelled on TV.
Returning home, he could tell he had upset his wife.
“Suzie, relax. You’re the second greatest thing in life.”

The Memory

The shower felt nice; water was warm.
He could hear rain outside; what a storm!
All dry, he checked his email and phone.
No messages, no calls; he felt a bit alone.
Then, detecting a great stench without even looking,
He suddenly remembered… this whole time he had been cooking!

The Text

Feeling frisky, he got out his cell.
Quickly writing a text to his girlfriend Belle.
“Come over…we’ll do it in my parents’ bed.”
Upon sending it his heart filled with dread.
Scrolling through ‘recent numbers’, he face-slapped his palm.
In his hast, he had accidentally sent it to his mom.

The Dissertation

The deadline was in ten,
Jeremy had struggled all night to finish his dissertation.
He saved his final copy and began to sprint,
Arriving at his last obstacle, he desperately hit ‘Print’.
The machine buzzed alive, but suddenly began to taper…
Jeremy bent over; the printer flashed, “Out of paper.”

The Cell

Lisa was sitting in her cell,
She’d committed assault yesterday; it had been hell.
Her cellmate faced her , “What you in for?”
Lisa responded, “I punched my boyfriend…broke his nose in four.”
The cellmate laughed, “Why did you do that?”
“Because”, Lisa said. “He said I was too fat.”

The Place

Working unabated, he needed food,
He was in a grumpy mood.
Leaving home, his body felt gritty.
He ran to his favorite fast food place; Chicken City.
Arriving at the door, he could have killed someone right then,
A sign on the door read, “Sorry, we’re all out of chicken.”

The Maid

He had been working all night,
His laptop still shown bright.
The curtains closed, he could feel his body wane.
Hopping into bed, he smiled. He needed to recharge his brain.
He had just closed his eyes when he heard a faint knock.
“Morning house cleaning sir, it’s 9 o’clock!”

The Excuse

Ron swallowed, “I need more time, or I can kiss graduating goodbye.”
“Fine.” The teacher remarked. “But why?”
Ron paused. “ I was lazy…”
“Hand it in Monday. Fresh and daisy.”
“Thanks,” Ron started, “But why help me with such an excuse?”
“Because tomorrow I’m getting drunk and letting loose.”

The Result

Doc frowned, “I’m sorry, you have an STD.”
Jake looked horrified, but the doctor laughed slapping his knee.
“Kidding son, test came out fine.”
“STDs are dangerous though, so take some condoms of mine.”
Upon leaving Jake pulled the Doctor aside,
“Next time, don’t do that when my mom’s inside!”

The Farm

“You’re here.” The farmer said kindly.
Joe looked inside, desperately wanting to say ‘no’.
“Anywhere else I can sleep?” Joe asked. He wasn’t having fun.
“Son, it’s a Barn. Oh, tip: Don’t sleep next to the big one.”
Joe looked worried, “Why's that?”
The farmer made a rolling gesture...“Splat!”

The Juice

Early morning in July he needed food.
Trolling the kitchen without his glasses, feeling quite nude.
He saw some juice; downed it in one score.
Stomach kicking, he spat it on the floor.
Astonished, he squinted at the side of the carton and felt prune.
It said, ‘best before mid-June.’

The Boast

Finished lectures, Darrell and Harry began home,
Outside the library they paused to roam.
Suddenly, a few ducks appeared and began to frolic.
Darrell laughed, “Looks like me in bed. I’m psychotic!”
Harry moved closer; squinted in the sun.
“Darrell…I think the male duck is actually raping the other one.”

The Lid

Awake from a night out, needing to clear his head.
He had mistakenly drunk too much water before bed.
Now he really needed to go,
He rushed in, eyes asleep, unzipped, and let flow.
Hearing an unfamiliar noise, he opened his eyes.
The lid was closed to his disgruntled surprise.

The Order

Completely famished, he couldn’t decide what to eat.
Pondering openly, “Tuna or steak? Fish or meat?”
His friend looked unamused, “Just pick…”
He closed his eyes and pointed, hoping to be quick.
When it came he bit into his glimmering steak.
He sighed…“I should have just gone with the cake.”

The Brat

Carl invited over his good mate.
They played ‘Questions’, some offering horrid debate.
His friend asked “Would you rather pee on your teacher or dad?”
Carl pondered, knowing his parents hardly disturbed his pad.
“My father. Him and his stupid slacks.”
“Carl?” He turned to see dad standing with snacks.

The Drink

They played an intense drinking game known as ‘Kings’,
The loser having to down a concoction of various grotesque things.
Chuck picked the last numbered card; began to celebrate.
“Ha, a six! I get to nominate!”
Fred looked at the greenish-brown guck.
“Nope,” Fred smiled. “That’s a nine. Sorry Chuck!”

The Marathon

Late for a meeting, he hated Monday.
His car stopped by police, “Sorry sir, marathon’s on today.”
Astonished, he looked at his passenger,
A female associate; he had a thing for her.
“So, what now?” He said with no inkling of fun.
“Well,” she said cheerfully. “How about a run?”

The File

Downloading a single-huge file, he was a geek,
His computer had been running for a week.
B-rated sci-fi films were soon his.
Such satisfaction he knew only through the school quiz.
He danced merrily, “99%, here we go!”
Mother walked in; “Honey, when you prance around naked, close your window.”

The Luggage

Landing in Austria, twelve hour flight.
Waiting 50 minutes, his luggage no where in sight.
Heading to assistance, he was less than happy.
“Where the hell is my luggage?” He spat, snappy.
She quickly typed away, her face became embarrassingly red.
“Sorry sir... your luggage was sent to Australia instead.”

The Omelet

Gerald had had his physics class today,
Tomorrow, due, his ‘gravitational’ essay.
Coming home, soon to start, but needed to eat.
He would make an omelet with cheese and meat.
Accidentally dropping an egg; it splattered everywhere in mucks.
“I know how I’ll start my essay” he thought. “Gravity sucks.”

The Kiss

His girlfriend kissed him gently,
His body filled with overwhelming glee.
Rolling to her side he said “Let me give you a kiss.”
Excited; she rarely ever woke him up like this.
Dreamily opening his eyes, smiling with grace…
Soon to realize, it was just their cat licking his face.

The Toothbrush

In his parent’s vacation home,
Daniel found a cute blue toothbrush and nice comb.
From downstairs, he heard his cat shout.
It was vet day and the cat didn’t like going out.
As Daniel cleaned himself, his mom did yell:
“Don’t use Mitten’s blue toothbrush, your teeth’ll go to hell!”

The Reply

Joking online was his personal bliss.
Posting his friend Chris dirty messages about his sis.
Chris replied that his mother read one,
And feared it was no longer fun.
Later, Chris’ mom replied; which did not ease his mind.
“U know, my daughters unripe… but I’m a well aged find ;)”

The Portion

Darrell, 33, needed ice cream from the parlor.
Dashing in, ordering some Chocolate-Marbler.
Nearby, a girl just received her flavored-snow,
Looking over, he gasped and needed to know:
“Pardon, you’re about 10 and your portion is twice mine?!”
She chuckled “Yeah…makes you look like a wimp. Maybe it’s a sign?”

The Coffee

Early morning, he needed a quick start.
Something to animate his brain and heart.
A dose of Espresso was just the perk,
He’d finish later on his way to work.
Drink in hand; he rushed for the door.
Forgetting it opened inwards, he smashed, spilling coffee all over the floor.

The Pillow

Vacationing with friends, he came home drunk.
They left when he became a snobby punk.
Hating his drunken state, all he wanted was sleep,
So exhausted, he wouldn’t have to count sheep.
As he lay down, he felt a liquid billow,
Someone had placed a massive water-balloon under his pillow.

The Soup

Smiling as he smelt her perfume,
Dinner with the girlfriend, returning from the restroom.
Grabbing his throat when sipping soup; it was off!
10x spicier than normal; he started to cough.
Looking up, he turned red…
“Like it hot? Or didn’t you scream that to my best friend in bed?”

The Run

One crisp morning he went for a run.
He liked the glimmer of a rising sun.
Times were tough and he needed the air.
Exercise helped him through despair.
Running through a field, looking down, he uttered a harsh remark.
He had forgotten he was running through a dog park.

The Massage

In Japan he loved experiencing different lives,
Panda-Drink, Underwear-Vendors and Inflatable-Wives.
At the massage parlor; hoping for a ‘special’ one.
Walking in naked, holding cash, pointing to his gun.
She slapped him, walked out. He sighed, “Just my luck,
I fly 5000 miles and I can’t even pay to fu...”.

The Take-off

On a long flight, he couldn’t sit alone,
His companions always fat, ugly, or thick as bone.
Then she sat down; beautiful, marvelous, this was his shot!
“Hello,” he flirted, “Aren’t we looking hot?”
Suddenly a tapping, an old man looking mean.
“Excuse me, that’s my daughter. She’s only fourteen.”

The Dessert

Today the couple was out for fun.
Both wanted ice cream to drown out the sun.
He bought cones with flavors, sauces and more,
She took one bite and spat it on the floor.
He look surprised, “What’s up dear?”
“I’m allergic to nuts, idiot! We’ve dated for a year!”

The Pass

He was supposed to pay, but never did,
Traveling on public as an American kid.
Smiling as he passed an inspector in Berlin,
“Kann ich dein Pass sehen?” She spat in German.
“I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “Only English…not from here.”
She smiled back. “That’s OK. I speak English too dear.”

The Present

Little Jimmy awakened early on Christmas day,
He couldn’t risk any more delay!
A giant box, he ripped apart.
His parents smiling as the newborn puppy jumped on him like a dart.
“Well Jimmy, whaddya think? Look, he’s so cute and fat.”
Jimmy turned and frowned, “I wanted a cat.”

The Prank

Rick wanted to prank his girlfriend Jess.
Called her saying, “Babes, I have to confess.”
“What?” She inquired. “How bad can it be?”
He continued, “I’ve slept with Marie…”
He waited, no scream. Was he easy to see through?
“I’ll confess...” she replied. “I’ve slept with your best friend too.”

The Toilet

A two hour trip with no bathroom break,
Holding it in had been a bad mistake.
Arriving home, his friend beat him inside.
He waited, crouching; he could have cried.
Finally done, he threw his mate aside cursing his name.
Upon sitting down he groaned… his friend had poor aim.

The Dentist

She waited; the dentist’s chair beneath.
She had come to have him clean her teeth.
Finished, he said; “Looks good dear, just one last thing.”
She shuttered in fear, “Will it sting?”
“Heavens no, you’ll feel nothing. Just lay still.”
Repositioning herself, her smiled suddenly vanished… out came the drill.

The Surgery

(Author’s Note: Unfortunately, I experienced technical difficulties this weekend, so to make up for it, here are three in a row!)

She was oozy, just waking up.
The doctor stood smiling, “Sup?”
“Doctor?” She muttered. “Is everything alright?”
“Perfect!” He retorted. “You’re an operational delight!”
“Your appendix is gone and you should be fine before the end of your vacation.”
She looked at him, “But sir… I’m here for breast augmentation.”

The Ride

Hung-over, he went outside for air.
Needing a ride home; his friend lived miles from anywhere.
Looking across the road he saw a taxi.
Realizing the opportunity, he jumped in to flee.
Upon arrival, cash was due and he began to fret…
He discovered he had left behind his wallet.

The Song

Karaoke night; his friend’s birthday.
Signing himself up for a song, entering the fray.
Music blasted, he sang into the skies.
The screen recorded his effort as he closed his eyes.
He finished, barely seeing through the dim light.
The audience erupted in laughter…he hadn’t gotten a single note right.

The Error

Having waited for almost two years,
Through breakups, makeups and tears,
She finally agreed, but he would need protection;
She was leaving for a few months pursuing a new career direction.
Tonight he was finally gonna get some.
But during the day’s excitement, he had forgotten to buy a condom.

The Task

He had gotten a haircut; washed his suit.
He smelt nice, felt great and looked particularly cute.
Checking everything fit, he smiled in the mirror,
And spin around just to make sure.
He answered his phone heading out the door.
It was his friend, “Listen…no one is going out anymore.”

The Haircut

“What you want?” Said barber Ned.
Jim answered, “A slight trim all ‘round my head.”
His eyes closed, Jim thought of today,
As Ned quickly snipped away.
As the cutting subsided, Jim looked, his face suddenly full of grim.
Ned looked back, “What? That’s 2 cm short…You did said trim.”

The Mistake

Unamused, he played with his food.
His date wasn’t in a pleasant mood.
Beginning to think of his ketchup as blood,
Covering his wrist, faking injury; he eventually licked up the spud.
Wincing, letting out a disgruntled moan…
He realized he licked the spot where he sprayed all his cologne.

The Hand

Playing ‘poker’, he knew he would win.
Thinking how best to capitalize, he rubbed his chin.
“All in” he said, straining his mind.
Unfortunately, his competitor showed four-of-a-kind.
He was a gracious loser; fair was fair.
Besides, the only piece of clothing he had left to remove was his underwear.

The Message

He met her yesterday in a saloon,
She said, “I love naughty messages, send one soon.”
Today pondering what he would type,
Sending, “I like my rumps spicy and ripe...”
Phone buzzing, he was in an excited mood,
Until he read, “Sir, we need an address to deliver the food.”

The Skirt

Spring was here and the sun was out!
She had waited through the cold and doubt.
Finally skirt weather; she was ecstatic,
And joined her friends by the lake looking absolutely fantastic.
She lived far away, but didn’t mind the trip,
Until upon sitting down she heard a slight rip...

The Cash

The queue was about 40 people long.
The store played a very awful song.
His wallet home, he guessed the amount he would need.
Carrying, in hand, the cash for this important deed.
Checking out, the worker said, “£27.50 for this stuff.”
He looked at his hand…he didn’t have enough.

The Plate

Late-night, starving, he couldn’t wait to get home.
They had prepared his favorite; Steak from Rome!
His family was done, leaving his share.
This made him happy, he could eat in his underwear.
Sitting down, beaming; this was going to be great!
He noticed a pubic hair on his plate.

The Carnival

They were at the carnival stall;
Jenny trying to win, down to her last ball.
Owner, laughing, said, “Atleast hit something!”
Angry, she wound up and unleashed her final swing...
It flew crazily; landed right in the face of the owner.
David turned, Jenny smiled. He really did love her.

The Attempt

Exiting the bathroom, he saw a beautiful chick.
And today had finished reading, “Being ultra-slick”.
Confident, he walked over and said, “Hey, wanna drink?”
She turned and smiled, giving a tiny wink.
Then, standing up and looking him dead in the eye,
She said, “Next time, zip up your fly.”

The Race

He had trained for the marathon months on end,
He would win; his honor he would defend.
Gun firing, he sprinted to get a head start,
Feeling the burn in his heart.
The crowd screamed; today would be his day!
Till he heard them shout, “You’re going the wrong way!”

The Girl

With sleep on his face, he walked up to campus,
It was early morning, and he had missed the school bus.
Then, quite suddenly, he saw a beautiful girl,
Stunningly fit, magnificent face, radiant as a pearl.
He began to imagine what was underneath,
Till she smiled…showing just seven teeth.

The Game

Seeing a clear chance, he went for the win,
Pumping his fist with a satisfying grin.
It felt so good, since she usually won,
Soon realizing, however, it would be only short-lived fun.
He looked at her and let out a dissatisfying groan,
Tonight, he knew, he’d be sleeping alone.

The Release

Home from a crazy night with wine 3 dollars cheap,
He was ready to drift off to sleep.
Lying on his bed, quite secure,
Something caught his attention; his bladder.
Weighting up his options: would he be civil or release where he lay?
Finally deciding ‘heck, tomorrow’s laundry day anyway.’

The Gym

New to the gym, wanting to prove something.
He hated being mocked; wanting to be king.
Walking past men who looked rough.
He laid on the bench thinking, ‘let’s see who’s tough.’
Lifting the bar he admired his own brawn,
When he turned and looked. There wasn’t any weight on.

The Computer

The deadline approached, she needed to hurry!
Her e-mail malfunctioned; she began to worry.
"Oh-my-god, I don’t know what to do."
She said hitting the computer, still not having a clue.
She then started laughing, becoming less upset;
For upon knocking it aside she realized…it wasn’t connected to the internet.

The Choice

Coming home, his face a sleepy mess,
A vibrating noise in his bag said ‘SMS!’
Opening his phone, seeing his girlfriend’s name,
“Baby, wanna come over and play that hot stripping game?”
He looked at his pillow, then at his phone,
Then jumped on his bed with a satisfying moan.

The Photographer

David was a photographer by work.
Basically a paparazzi, he was somewhat of a jerk.
Landing gold one night outside a club,
Several singers vomiting up their evening’s grub.
These would definitely run in ‘Celebrity Guide’,
But when he returned home and opened his camera, there was no film inside.

The Paradise

There were cheerleaders, secretaries and librarians,
Models galore and several cute vegetarians.
He was ecstatic and smiled because it all belonged to him.
A women only club called, ‘The Luscious Gym’.
Suddenly he felt depressed and was ready to scream,
For he was back in lectures…it was all a dream.

The Pool

Arriving early morning at just past five,
He was going to enter the pool with a magnificent dive.
Practicing daily, perfecting his technique,
He jumped head-first letting out an excited shriek.
Realizing it was not water which he was upon.
He noticed painfully that the pool cover was still on.

The Alarm

An American chap had essays that were tomorrow due,
He yawned needing a nap or two.
Laying down at noon to sleep until 3 PM.
Hastily setting his alarm, he escaped into R.E.M.
Buzzing awakened him but he couldn’t see a thing…
His alarm clock glimmered 3 in the morning.

The Show

Rushing home and skipping across the lawn,
Her favorite show soon to be on.
Ripping off her suit and undoing her hair,
Opening some sweets and plopping herself on the comfy chair.
She had waited all week for this single hour,
When suddenly everything went dark…the house had lost power.

The Umbrella

After much hard work, he wanted to go home.
Enough concentrating; just let his mind roam.
Suddenly rain appeared and where others would have cared,
He smiled because he always came prepared.
Opening his bag thinking, ‘I am such a clever fella!”
He looked inside… he had forgotten his umbrella.

The Concert

Josh sprinted towards the concert,
Running through the pain and hurt.
He crashed into the bouncer at the entrance gate.
The bouncer shook his head. “Sorry mate, you’re five minutes late.”
“What?!” Josh panted. “How can you not let me in for that?”
The Bouncer smiled, “Because, I’m a prat.”

The Test

All night he had been cramming,
Assessment tomorrow on ‘Chapter 6: Politics of a King’.
Hours spent reading, running out of time,
Awaking in a stupor, his alarm let off a loud chime.
He walked into class completely stressed,
When he began writing and cried… it read ‘Chapter 7 Test’.

The Surprize

First year of university, a house of eight,
Seven held a surprise party for their anti-social roommate.
Gathering together, dressed for fun.
He entered; “Happy Birthday!” they shouted in unison.
They waited in anticipation for him to speak,
And with a puzzled look he said “Guys, my birthday’s next week.”

The Re-opening

He had waited almost a year,
For his favorite restaurant’s re-opening premier.
He could hardly control his zealous feel,
When the waiter asked what he’d like for his meal.
“I used to come everyday and always had the same; chicken-min-chow!”
“Ah,” the waiter hesitated. “I’m sorry…we’re fully vegetarian now.”

The Rush

From London, England - in a foreign land,
The language he could barely understand.
Deciding to return; his time had passed.
“Flight, London, 30 minutes!” The attendant spat. “Go fast!”
He sighed relief successfully navigating this awful scenario.
Then during takeoff the captain said, “Welcome to Flight-171 to London, Ontario”

The Offer

“You wish to marry my daughter?”
“Yes.” the young man replied, drinking some water.
“You look like quite the athlete.”
“All-Star quarterback is no small feat.”
The father smiled suggestively. “We must do one thing together. It’s my ‘golden rule’”.
He continued. “Let me show you in my private pool.”

The Job

The alarm buzzed; first day at a new job.
Rising up early to avoid looking like a slob.
Arriving promptly, trying for the door; it was locked.
Is this the wrong place? He thought, shocked.
Being late he could never contend.
He then saw the sign, ‘Closed on the weekend.”

-----------------------------------------------
Alternate Ending (Sub-series 1)

The alarm buzzed; first day at a new job.
Rising up early to avoid looking like a slob.
At work, he passed a janitor.
Courteously he said, “Good morning monsieur.”
The janitor stopped working. “How did you know I was French?”
“Simple,” he replied. “You gave off quite a stench!”

The Dress

Today was special, fully absent from unwanted stress.
All day she’d shopped; wearing, now, a beautiful dress.
She rushed home to exhibit her prize,
Making sure to catch all other women’s eyes.
Home to her boyfriend, with whom she would cuddle.
She stepped off the curb into a massive puddle.

The Decision

“I’m sorry Sir, but we need you to make a decision.”
The President looked on, famous for his precision.
“When’s the deadline?” He said revealing his hesitation.
“Hard to say, Sir, given the economic situation.”
The President closed his eyes, not wanting to make a mistake.
“Alright…I’ll have the Cheesecake.”

The Date

He was stressed; work made his mind hurt.
Driving home, he almost crashed not being alert.
Inside, flopping onto his bed; closing his eyes,
His girlfriend came in, jumped onto his thighs.
Kissing him she smiled; “So, what’s my present today?”
Confused, he thought for a second. 'Crap…it’s her birthday.'

The Night

They were out for a Pubcrawl,
Mike, Victor and their abstinent friend Paul.
They ventured strong, entering a club at two,
Asking Paul if he wanted anything: “Just Coke, thankyou.”
Victor returned; Paul drank with delight.
“What is it?” Mike inquired. Victor smiled, “Vodka-Coke. It’s gonna be a great night.”

The Gift

Wanting to impress with a loving present,
He looked tirelessly for something decent.
Walking into shops with an open mind,
Seeing some brilliant underwear thinking, “She’d love this find!”
He wrapped it all nice; her satin bra size 36 B,
When she opened it and sighed, “Honey, I’m a Double-D”.

The Gadget

Early morning; the TV emitting a faint glow,
He watched a non-descript advertising show.
“Call now for this $500 revolutionary anti-gravity money-making device!”
“I need this!” he proclaimed, “regardless of price!”
When it arrived he was over the moon,
Till he opened it, discovering instructions on, “Making your first balloon”.

The Idea

Too in love he was; he couldn’t talk,
Instead he would wait, sit and stalk.
Suddenly an idea; write her a love verse!
Which he would then masterfully slip into her purse.
Waiting one day for her to pass by,
He went too soon and got smacked in the eye.

The Opera

He promised her he would stay,
A four hour long opera named ‘Lé café’.
Twenty minutes in he tried for sincere,
But really just wanted to head-butt a spear.
Fatefully forgetting that she said it was over should he dare flee,
It suddenly hit him; he desperately needed a wee.

The Time

Fidgeting uncontrollably, she knew it was late.
Tomorrow, her first exam of eight.
She had studied so strenuously for this test,
That she had forgotten much needed rest.
Hours seemingly passed as she tried to get to bed,
But when she looked at her watch, only five minutes had fled.

The Meal

He was ravenous; he could hardly wait.
Nervous too, considering this was a first date.
She was a Southern girl, with a lovable Aunt,
Who had cooked her renowned, ‘Dîner Extrávagant’.
“Madam,” he proclaimed. “This tastes superb!”
“I’m glad.” The Aunt replied, “Considering I picked it right off the curb.”

The Grade

Today was the day for her final grade.
Please! Please! Please! She strongly prayed.
He walked over…handed her the report,
“Sorry dear, you’re two marks short.”
“But sir, I need this! Isn’t there anything I can say?”
“Well,” he smiled suggestively, “See me afterward, if you really want that A.”

The Conquest

He could not resist, he had to have her.
Music infused him, alcohol caused a blur.
Stumbling over, he tried for the wall,
He missed terrifically, evoking quite a fall.
Springing up undeterred he pronounced “Madam! I’d love to see you nude!”
His conquest hesitated…“Sorry son, I’m actually a dude.”

The Ice Cream

“Ice cream is a marvelous invention, wouldn’t you say?”
“I agree, it’s become almost cliché.”
“Hath thou a favorite my friend?”
“Choco-Chip, with crunchy bits at the end.”
“How many calories do you think are in one bite?”
“About the same my wife has put on throughout years of spite!”

The Flight

He squiggled and heaved, he could not concentrate.
His mind distant. His body irate.
He could feel the coolness of stone on his skin,
A 2-star hotel in the heart of Berlin.
He had eaten too many chilies during his flight,
And it was going to be…a very long night.